Monday, May 30, 2016

Fantasy Bachelorette - Week 2


It's nights like tonight that make me evaluate my own masculinity.  I can actually hear the Western Conference Finals, Game 7 happening in the other room, yet I'm posted up on the couch with my laptop, eagerly tracking DB points and just hoping that Derek gets that rose.  But hey...a manly man is something which I've not been oft accused.

The group date consisted of some dudes gearing up in firefighter gear and running through a series of tests and obstacles.  How awesome anticlimactic that the freaking firefighter wins the one-on-one JoJo time and the obligatory kiss.  I have to wonder what is going through JoJo's mind while she's sucking face with The Chin.  Tonight's viewing group mentioned how much he looks like he is wearing The Mask from the Jim Carrey film.
I think he looks like the Purple Pie Man from the Strawberry Shortcake cartoons of the 80s.  In any case, she can't love smacking lips with either.

But beyond Grant's triumph, let's address Wells' performance in the gauntlet of fire.  That dude couldn't have been in the suit for more than 17 seconds before he started getting faint.  And what kills me is that JoJo somehow found that attractive!  Why?  Because he's a really good tryer?  Or that he was a good sport?  How did his failing to stay conscious while everyone else managed to breathe unassisted get this guy a special rose?  Clearly Ms. Jo Jo likes fixer uppers and pity prizes.  Oh yeah, congrats on your rose Evan.

So during that fire exercise, Grant racks up a point for his obligatory chin slurp while Wells scores an estrogen point for his failure to stay upright, joined by another for showing pictures of his dogs.

The one-on-one date was quite lovely.  Jim Halpert was charismatic and happy and looked entirely adequate in his white dress shirt sleeves rolled over the black sweater.  Jo Jo was very sparkly.  The date involved an airplane ride which, I decided to count as a Helicopter Point, he scored a kiss, and a rose.  I have to admit that his story about his past relationship just didn't match up to the build-up.  I expected some horrific experience like a drowning or, even better, that it was with a dude named Stefan.  Maybe that was just a little nugget, a carrot that will lead to something more substantial if we follow it.  Like a T-Bone.  Halpert racked up 13 points in total on the evening after procuring a second kiss at the cocktail party.

I have to admit that I watched the entire ESPN group date through the slits of my fingers.  Good Lord, how uncomfortable are they trying to make me?  Spin around a bat and propose?  So brutal.  But at the end of it all, after multiple offenses of douchebaggery by Chad, we got to see into the heart of James Taylor.  I love this guy.  If Jo Jo can just get past his bubba-looks I think he could be this season's sleeper.  Yes, I did have to award a DB point for the song during the challenge, and he even got an estrogen point for pulling out the note (even though it was sweet and thoughtful.)  But I like the guy.  9 points to JT on the night.

Let's move on to Chad.  Holy Crap.  It is the most exquisitely beautiful display of testosterone I've ever seen.  Tonight he racked up an unprecedented FIVE baggery points.  He called his date a nag. He toasted his compadres with an eloquent "EFF you all."  He got bad with Midget Marine which, by the way, would end poorly for Smolder Chad.  I can see that little dude summoning his dwarf strength and going Gimli on Chad's tragic ass.  But in the words of Maximus Desmus Meridius, "Are you not entertained?!"  Yes I am.  I'll keep Chad as long as I possibly can.  In addition to his baggery points, The Chad added 2 points for kisses and 1 estrogen point for owning a Maltese/Yorkie.

Rounding out the DBag points for the evening are Daniel for being Chad's dispensable crony and Christian for his hot tub attempt.  This group of alphas really does put the COCK in Cocktail Party.

Updated scores are posted below.  Congratulations to Kelsey and Annie for leading the pack.  Cassie, Michele, and The Commissioner are not too far behind.  Rylee and Andrea have some work to do, but anything is possible in Fantasy Bach!




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