Wednesday, June 22, 2011

18% Gay


I hope everyone sees this for what it is.  Satire.  Stereotypes will abound and, hopefully, so will the chortles.  We need to be able to laugh at ourselves.

I believe that you are either born gay, or born straight.  That’s a controversial opinion, given my theological and political circles, but I believe it nonetheless.  That said, I believe that straight dudes are at least a little gay and gay guys are partially straight. 

The following is a list of 30 yes/no questions with assigned point values.  Straight folks tally your princess points.  To my gay homies, count up your butch points.  Ask yourselves each question and find out how gay you are.  Or straight.  Sorry for excluding you ladies, but I’m simply not qualified to make any list from a female perspective.  I’ve placed an asterisk next to my own princess points.

Princess Points

Can you tell the difference between yellow and “sunflower?”  +1*
Have you seen Cats more than once?  +2*
Do you maintain your cuticles?  +1
Do you apply Chap Stick on a regular basis?  +1
Have you ever watched Dirty Dancing by yourself, or without a female present?  +5*
Have you ever read Little Women or Pride and Prejudice?  +2
Do you know who Jerome Robbins is?  +2*
Can you identify Bob Fosse choreography?  +2*
Did you cry at any time during Steel Magnolias?  +1*
Have you ever paid more than $300 for eyeglass frames or sunglasses?  +1*
Can you bake any pastry or bread item without the help of a recipe?  +2*
Have you ever made freezer jam alone or with another guy?  +3
Do you apply lotion every day?  +1
Do you own a Liza Minnelli album?  +5
Do you tweeze your eyebrows?  +2  (Extreme uni-brows are exempt)
Do you consider a scarf an “accessory?”  +2
Does your belt buckle have to match your watch?  +2
Have you ever watched a bodybuilding competition?  +3
Have you ever worn a cravat?  +5
Do you watch “Real Housewives of _____?”  +2
Can you name at least 4 of the men chosen as “The Bachelor?”  +1*
Have you ever filed your feet?  +1
Do you think Matthew McConaughey is a good actor?  +5
Can you properly fold a napkin?  +1
Can you tell the difference between a dessert fork, dinner fork, and salad fork?  +1*
Do you check a bag for a trip of three days or less?  +1
Do you own a dinner jacket?  +3
Do you shave your chest?  +1
Do you pay more than $17 for a haircut?  +1
Have you ever bought furniture at Pottery Barn?  +2

Butch Points

Do you ever tear your toenails instead of clipping them?  +1
Have you ever worn brown shoes with a black belt?  +3
Do you own less than 3 pair of black shoes?  +2
Do you deer hunt?  +2
Do you fish?  +1
Do you own any garment made by Carhartt?  +3
Do you drive a truck that runs on diesel fuel?  +2
Would you like a BBQ-scented Yankee Candle burning regularly in your home?  +1
Do you think the Blue Collar Comedy Tour is funny?  +1
Do you follow NASCAR?  +3
Have you ever worn a bolo tie?  +1
Do you own duck waders?  +2
Do you have chums attached to your sunglasses?  +1
Can you change the oil in your own car?  +1
Do you snort and swallow instead of blowing your nose?  +2
Do you own an official jersey of your favorite NFL, NBA, or Baseball team?  +2
Do you like Charles Bronson movies?  +3
Can you wear a shirt in public that has an obvious stain on it?  +1
Do you insist on grilling over charcoal?  +1
Do you own and fill a “ghetto mug” with a beverage from a service station?  +1
Would you shop at K-Mart with coupons?  +3
Can you name 3 John Wayne movies?  +2
Would you skin and gut an animal that someone else killed?  +5
Do you know what “hitting for the cycle” means?  +3
Do you play violent shooter-type video games?  +2
Can you name two albums by Rush?  +2
Have you arm-wrestled more than 5 times in your life?  +1
Do you own more than two different types of hammers?  +2
Do you polish off a T Bone steak by picking it up with your hands and gnawing the remaining meat off the bone?  +4
Have you ever served a store-bought cheese ball?  +1

Add it up folks.  Report!

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