Monday, August 1, 2016

Fantasy Bachelorette - FINAL

Ladies and gentlemen...errr...I'm the only dude still here, so LADIES...the results are in.  Congratulations go to Kelsey Morris for an incredible win!  Kelsey went wire to wire, leading the entire time.  I awarded 20 points to anyone who chose Jordan for the win.  Trophy is still in its design phase so stay tuned for that.

What a season.  I can't wait to see Chad on Bach in Paradise and I'm still pulling for Hillbilly Bach, starring James Taylor.  Thanks to everyone for playing this season.  See you all soon.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Fantasy Bachelorette - Week 8

Some people are starting to make a move!

Fantasy Bachelorette - Week 7

Finally got laptop back from corporate.  Now updating.

Monday, July 18, 2016

Fantasy Bachelorette - Week 6

Again, sorry for getting this in late.  I promise I will watch tonight's episode no later than tomorrow night and will post scores tomorrow night.

Friday, July 1, 2016

Fantasy Bachelorette - Week 5

Final SIX are chosen.  Exponential points started with this episode.  A few people had 5 of 6 correct!

Monday, June 27, 2016

Fantasy Bachelorette - Week 4

Friday, June 10, 2016

Fantasy Bachelorette - Week 3 (Part II)

I thought this was going to be the worst season of Bachelorette in history.  Mainly due to the shallow talent pool of dudes.  I have never been more wrong of anything in my life.  More wrong than when Sherri insisted Clay Aiken was straight.  Like unbelievably WRONG!  This is the most exquisite confluence of rage and estrogen ever filmed.  It's like watching a soap opera make love with an MMA fight, watching the bastardic birth, and following its emotional rollercoaster life.  Not since the first season of 24 have I been glued to a screen like this.  It is the Citizen Kane, the Pieta, and the Mona Lisa of reality TV.  AND WE ALL GET TO BEAR WITNESS!

I am not going to attempt to count or highlight DB and Estrogen points in this post.  I want to simply bullet list some of my notes and get on with the scores:

  • I finally have a descriptor for what my kids do when they throw bizarre fits of rage when asked to do something they don't want to do.  It's called an angergasm.
  • Hot Yoga is Yab Yummy!
  • I tallied the number of times Chad used the word "literally" in a single segment.  It was literally five times.
  • Huge thanks to Chad for helping me fill in the missing piece to Grant's physical appearance.  He's not The Mask, nor is he the Purple Pieman.  He is freaking Squidward.
  • Don King has nothing on Jo Jo.  She could easily be the best fight promoter in history.  She deftly moves and positions her pawns into situations where sparks, and hopefully fists, fly.
  • I am starting a petition to have James Taylor as the next Bachelor.  We'll call it Hillbilly Bachelor and will feature corn cob pipes, rocking chairs, banjos, beer instead of cocktails, and the sweetest damn bachelor in show history.
  • Jordan is all smoke, no fire.  He talks.  But I bet a light backhand slap from Evan would bring tears to his eyes.  He has glass jaw written all over him.
  • Has anyone else noticed that Luke manages to speak unbelievably clearly and barely move a muscle in his face?  He's essentially his own ventriloquist dummy.  And I find it fascinating that his actual face, eyebrows to chin, only takes up the bottom fourth of his head.
  • The lead singer for that crap country band looked just like the lead from Color Me Badd.
  • What is the story with Evan's football accessories?  Bieber hair spilling over his headband and a single black smudge under his eye.  I bet he one-straps overalls.  And he can't spell.  W-I-N does not spell Evan.  Everyone knows Evan is spelled W-E-A-S-E-L.
  • Grant is inching his way out of the closet.  Mannerisms on the couch anyone?  It's that quick index point and wrist flick.  Dead giveaway.
  • Chad had a momentary loss of the shred of sanity left unharmed by 'roids.  "Blueberries and paper airplanes!  Milk is Delicious!  The hay is in the barn and the pigs are in the castle!"   Next level nutjob.
Quote of the night at Kristin's was "Go play with your noodles Chad!"

Scores are posted below.  From my vantage point, Kelsey is going to be tough to beat.  There are some folks floating close, myself included, but Kelsey seems to have the most consistently locked down picks.  Back in two weeks!

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Bachelorette - Week 3

Holy freaking CRAP.  So I'm totally man crushing on James Taylor right now.  In an entirely confidently heterosexually way.  Since this is a two-parter I'm going to save the write up for when the second part wraps.  For now, here are the scores as they are:

Monday, May 30, 2016

Fantasy Bachelorette - Week 2

It's nights like tonight that make me evaluate my own masculinity.  I can actually hear the Western Conference Finals, Game 7 happening in the other room, yet I'm posted up on the couch with my laptop, eagerly tracking DB points and just hoping that Derek gets that rose.  But hey...a manly man is something which I've not been oft accused.

The group date consisted of some dudes gearing up in firefighter gear and running through a series of tests and obstacles.  How awesome anticlimactic that the freaking firefighter wins the one-on-one JoJo time and the obligatory kiss.  I have to wonder what is going through JoJo's mind while she's sucking face with The Chin.  Tonight's viewing group mentioned how much he looks like he is wearing The Mask from the Jim Carrey film.
I think he looks like the Purple Pie Man from the Strawberry Shortcake cartoons of the 80s.  In any case, she can't love smacking lips with either.

But beyond Grant's triumph, let's address Wells' performance in the gauntlet of fire.  That dude couldn't have been in the suit for more than 17 seconds before he started getting faint.  And what kills me is that JoJo somehow found that attractive!  Why?  Because he's a really good tryer?  Or that he was a good sport?  How did his failing to stay conscious while everyone else managed to breathe unassisted get this guy a special rose?  Clearly Ms. Jo Jo likes fixer uppers and pity prizes.  Oh yeah, congrats on your rose Evan.

So during that fire exercise, Grant racks up a point for his obligatory chin slurp while Wells scores an estrogen point for his failure to stay upright, joined by another for showing pictures of his dogs.

The one-on-one date was quite lovely.  Jim Halpert was charismatic and happy and looked entirely adequate in his white dress shirt sleeves rolled over the black sweater.  Jo Jo was very sparkly.  The date involved an airplane ride which, I decided to count as a Helicopter Point, he scored a kiss, and a rose.  I have to admit that his story about his past relationship just didn't match up to the build-up.  I expected some horrific experience like a drowning or, even better, that it was with a dude named Stefan.  Maybe that was just a little nugget, a carrot that will lead to something more substantial if we follow it.  Like a T-Bone.  Halpert racked up 13 points in total on the evening after procuring a second kiss at the cocktail party.

I have to admit that I watched the entire ESPN group date through the slits of my fingers.  Good Lord, how uncomfortable are they trying to make me?  Spin around a bat and propose?  So brutal.  But at the end of it all, after multiple offenses of douchebaggery by Chad, we got to see into the heart of James Taylor.  I love this guy.  If Jo Jo can just get past his bubba-looks I think he could be this season's sleeper.  Yes, I did have to award a DB point for the song during the challenge, and he even got an estrogen point for pulling out the note (even though it was sweet and thoughtful.)  But I like the guy.  9 points to JT on the night.

Let's move on to Chad.  Holy Crap.  It is the most exquisitely beautiful display of testosterone I've ever seen.  Tonight he racked up an unprecedented FIVE baggery points.  He called his date a nag. He toasted his compadres with an eloquent "EFF you all."  He got bad with Midget Marine which, by the way, would end poorly for Smolder Chad.  I can see that little dude summoning his dwarf strength and going Gimli on Chad's tragic ass.  But in the words of Maximus Desmus Meridius, "Are you not entertained?!"  Yes I am.  I'll keep Chad as long as I possibly can.  In addition to his baggery points, The Chad added 2 points for kisses and 1 estrogen point for owning a Maltese/Yorkie.

Rounding out the DBag points for the evening are Daniel for being Chad's dispensable crony and Christian for his hot tub attempt.  This group of alphas really does put the COCK in Cocktail Party.

Updated scores are posted below.  Congratulations to Kelsey and Annie for leading the pack.  Cassie, Michele, and The Commissioner are not too far behind.  Rylee and Andrea have some work to do, but anything is possible in Fantasy Bach!

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Fantasy Bachelorette - The Premiere

Ladies and gentlemen, Fantasy Bach is BACK!  Five years ago I did my first ever Fantasy Bachelor game for the Mrs. and her friends.  It was a hit.  It was unique.  It was different and new.  Fast forward to 2016 and apparently there are cookie-cutter Fantasy Bachelor leagues all over God's creation.  Just one more boat I missed that would have made me a millionaire.  Right there with dude-scented Yankee candles.  Like BBQ and Gasoline.  Freaking Scentsy.

But here we are and this season we have 19 people in the league.  And this season is a DOOZY.

First Impressions

  • "Canadian" is a profession.  Who knew?
  • An Asian man in a kilt is a terrifying prospect.  Imagine yourself as an English infantryman, running across the battlefield in Medieval Scotland, facing a wall of kilt-clad ninjas throwing stars and collectively shouting WaaaaaAAAAAAH!  Gruesome.
  • It's nice to see Jim Halpert pretending to be some dude named Derek.
  • The Marines have apparently begun recruiting circus midgets to fight our wars (Alex.)
  • Greasy-faced, weasley, limp bizkit specialists with pedostaches deserve love too (Evan.)
  • The fight between Midget Marine and Smolder Chad looks to be EPIC.  If I were Alex I'd headbutt Chad in the stomach.
  • Jo Jo digs bad boys and drunkards.
  • Vinny the barber has GOT to cut his own hair.  Lloyd Christmas thinks that coif is bad. 
  • James Taylor appeared bloodied and sad.  I can't wait.
Each week I will post updated scores and a short write-up after each episode.  This week only reflects points from the first cut and anyone that received bonus points.  Click the image to enlarge.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Broken Wheel

In the immortal words of the mighty Snoop Dogg Lion, "Guess who's back in the mutha####in' HEYOUSE!"  I figure five years is an adequate hiatus from putting pen to parchment.  Time to knock off the dust, settle in, buckle up, and drop phat subjects and predicates.

The reason for the absence is impossible to explain.  It started out as one thing then became another thing and ended as a different thing.  A melange of life experiences.  But through the process I lost the drive to write.  I forgot about the blissful catharsis that writing can bring.  I tried reinventing in different ways.  I tried my hand at art, beginning with watercolor and fizzling with acrylics.  I tried music, but my chronic instrument ADHD got in the way of much progress with anything. Coincidentally, if anyone is in the market for a guitarist, bassist, ukeist, banjoist, mandolinist, pianist, or harmonickest for a I/IV/V band that only plays in C and never strays from that pocket then I'm your guy.  But eventually I came to the inevitable conclusion that writing is the standalone way for me to clear my emotional mechanism.  

So many years have passed that I'm confident this blog is forgotten and lost beneath the dust.  Are blogs even a thing anymore?  But this is good.  One of my many reasons for the pause was the fear of putting my thoughts on a page.  Somehow it gives them life.  It makes them real.  In my head I can mull things around, work and churn them, then toss them aside with no one being the wiser.  But as soon as they are documented then they become real and thus harder to confront.  A troll is easy to ignore if it's in my imagination.  Less so if it's given life, standing in front of me swinging a tree stump at my face.

But I'm beginning to think the troll needs to be fought.  

There is an old Italian proverb, "l'aqua chieta rovina i ponti."  Translation, "still water ruins bridges."  The idea is that the surface of the water may be still and calm, suggesting there is no danger, but below the surface there is corrosion, sediment, and various ecological processes that are literally destroying that bridge from below.  I am exploring the concept that idle thoughts unwritten can destroy the mind.  At least if I grant them life I can confront them.  

And so we begin.  Back in the saddle.  Standing.



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