Monday, June 27, 2016

Fantasy Bachelorette - Week 4

Friday, June 10, 2016

Fantasy Bachelorette - Week 3 (Part II)

I thought this was going to be the worst season of Bachelorette in history.  Mainly due to the shallow talent pool of dudes.  I have never been more wrong of anything in my life.  More wrong than when Sherri insisted Clay Aiken was straight.  Like unbelievably WRONG!  This is the most exquisite confluence of rage and estrogen ever filmed.  It's like watching a soap opera make love with an MMA fight, watching the bastardic birth, and following its emotional rollercoaster life.  Not since the first season of 24 have I been glued to a screen like this.  It is the Citizen Kane, the Pieta, and the Mona Lisa of reality TV.  AND WE ALL GET TO BEAR WITNESS!

I am not going to attempt to count or highlight DB and Estrogen points in this post.  I want to simply bullet list some of my notes and get on with the scores:

  • I finally have a descriptor for what my kids do when they throw bizarre fits of rage when asked to do something they don't want to do.  It's called an angergasm.
  • Hot Yoga is Yab Yummy!
  • I tallied the number of times Chad used the word "literally" in a single segment.  It was literally five times.
  • Huge thanks to Chad for helping me fill in the missing piece to Grant's physical appearance.  He's not The Mask, nor is he the Purple Pieman.  He is freaking Squidward.
  • Don King has nothing on Jo Jo.  She could easily be the best fight promoter in history.  She deftly moves and positions her pawns into situations where sparks, and hopefully fists, fly.
  • I am starting a petition to have James Taylor as the next Bachelor.  We'll call it Hillbilly Bachelor and will feature corn cob pipes, rocking chairs, banjos, beer instead of cocktails, and the sweetest damn bachelor in show history.
  • Jordan is all smoke, no fire.  He talks.  But I bet a light backhand slap from Evan would bring tears to his eyes.  He has glass jaw written all over him.
  • Has anyone else noticed that Luke manages to speak unbelievably clearly and barely move a muscle in his face?  He's essentially his own ventriloquist dummy.  And I find it fascinating that his actual face, eyebrows to chin, only takes up the bottom fourth of his head.
  • The lead singer for that crap country band looked just like the lead from Color Me Badd.
  • What is the story with Evan's football accessories?  Bieber hair spilling over his headband and a single black smudge under his eye.  I bet he one-straps overalls.  And he can't spell.  W-I-N does not spell Evan.  Everyone knows Evan is spelled W-E-A-S-E-L.
  • Grant is inching his way out of the closet.  Mannerisms on the couch anyone?  It's that quick index point and wrist flick.  Dead giveaway.
  • Chad had a momentary loss of the shred of sanity left unharmed by 'roids.  "Blueberries and paper airplanes!  Milk is Delicious!  The hay is in the barn and the pigs are in the castle!"   Next level nutjob.
Quote of the night at Kristin's was "Go play with your noodles Chad!"

Scores are posted below.  From my vantage point, Kelsey is going to be tough to beat.  There are some folks floating close, myself included, but Kelsey seems to have the most consistently locked down picks.  Back in two weeks!

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Bachelorette - Week 3

Holy freaking CRAP.  So I'm totally man crushing on James Taylor right now.  In an entirely confidently heterosexually way.  Since this is a two-parter I'm going to save the write up for when the second part wraps.  For now, here are the scores as they are:



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