Ryan Seacrest - 100 Million Percent Suspect

American Idol is a guilty pleasure. I’m a self-admitted music snob, but there’s something about Idol that draws me in. I’ve loved watching young passionate people from all different walks of life put their lives on hold and risk public scrutiny and nationally televised rejection for a shot at the top. I love me some Idol.

I’ve been extremely entertained so far with the new season. The added judge, Kara, is a welcome change. Paula isn’t lit out of her gourd on muscle relaxers…yet. And the editing has been brilliant. By far the best use of humor, effects, and music out of all AI seasons to date. But what the hell is the deal with Seacrest?

Stuff Magazine calls Seacrest “the American poster boy for metrosexuality.” So how then do we explain the outfit featured Tuesday night? If that is the future of fashion then I’m resigning myself to full frumptitude here and now. Dude looked like every IT guy I’ve ever worked with, plaid green shirt tucked into very ill-fitting blue jeans.

There’s always been media speculation as to whether or not Ryan Seacrest is gay. For some that may be as silly a question as whether or not Richard Simmons putts from the rough. If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck. But I think Seacrest fears what an outing would do to his career. He has never publicly said that he is gay. But I don’t think he has to. Bikini Girl spared him that effort on Tuesday night when she stalked and kissed him.

Let’s be honest…bikini girl isn’t ugly. I’m a happily married man with an eye single to the glory of my smokin’ hot bride, but bikini girl isn’t exactly impossible to look at. Judging by Seacrest’s face, however, you’d think that a leprous boil-covered three-eyed alien life-sucker was stalking his way to wrap its tentacles around his grill and impregnate him with an evil seed that would result in the destruction of humankind. The dude actually back-peddled. The actual kiss was incredibly awkward. In fact, the only more awkward kiss caught on film was between Michael Scott and Oscar in accounting. Memo to Seacrest: I fully understand that you may be gay. I fully understand that you may be acting like a metrosexual man that still digs chicks, and that act may be hard. But you’ve got to sell it better than that my man! When a hot chick in a small bikini wants to kiss you on national television, sack up and pretend you enjoy it. Imagine it’s Rupert Everett or Daniel Craig or Brian Dunkelman’s lips you are sucking on.

There is one other thing that has always driven me nuts on American Idol. These judges have no understanding of math and the practical application of percentages. You just can’t have more than 100% of something. If you put a strawberry rhubarb pie (my favorite) in front of my face and tell me to eat it, the absolute best I can manage is to eat every single atom of the pie, or 100%. I can’t manage 120% of the pie. I can’t magically conjure more pie than what is in front of me, no matter how badly I want to. And trust me….I want to. So when big dawg Randy Jackson says, “duuuude dawg, you can blow! Absolutely on this guy, 100 million percent. Good lookin’ out dude, welcome to Hollywoooood!” he’s really just showing that he’s an idiot. If you absolutely loved dawg and dawg had zero room to impress you further, then you could only be 100% in favor of the guy moving to the next round of competition. Not 200%. Not 6000%. And certainly not "a hundred million %." To illustrate my point, here are two of my favorite first auditions of all time on Idol. I’m a sucker for hippie blues:

Bad Randy (@3:00)

Good Randy (@1:37)

Sorry to disappoint you coach, but you can stop flipping out and chewing on my bleeding ass. I can’t give you the 150% you’re screaming for. There is no such thing as >100%. End of discussion, period. Laws of potential and kinetic energy dictate that my potential energy and motion will eventually translate to a measurement that equals 100%. It is physically freaking impossible for me to give you more than that potential when converted to action. It’s time for a new phraseology here…one that doesn’t involve math. Let’s use quantities of fruit.

*AI contestant auditions and kills it*
Randy: Wow, I didn’t expect that.
Paula: Yeah, that was really *twitch* awesome.
Simon: I thought it was really ratha’ karaoke if I’m being ‘onest.
Paula: Simon, you’re such a *twitch* rude jerk.
Simon: Enough, let’s get on with it shall we, I’m going to ‘ave to say no.
Paula: Whatever, I think you’ve got talent and a really nice tone to your voice. And I like you. You have a very *twitch* special aura. I say yes. Randy?
Randy: I say absolutely, 100 million satchels of bananas baby, welcome to Hollywooood!