Monday, November 10, 2008

Dead Duck Delivery, Godzilla Snow Havoc, Unstoppable vs. Immovable, and Iocaine Tea.

I think it would be awesome if a tasty animal would occasionally die of natural causes in my back yard. I don’t have the machismo required to actually go out in the wild and whack the animals myself, but it sure would be neat if they would naturally travel to my back yard to die. I’d also wish they would show up already gutted and plucked/skinned, but I have tough-guy friends that I could probably talk into doing that for me in trade for a case of cookies, and I don’t want to get carried away anyhow. And if I really wanted to shoot for the stars I’d hope to have the dead animal gutted, plucked, filleted, seal-packed, and magically placed in my freezer. But hey, if you shoot for the stars and miss you might just hit the moon. I’d settle for the fresh dead animal.

What in the ever-loving holy hell is wrong with Utah drivers this time of year? People, we live in a state where it snows EVERY FREAKING YEAR. In a matter of months you tardlets have managed to completely forget how to operate an automobile in rain or snow. The first snowfall is as if Godzilla has set upon our city and mass hysteria breaks out. “What is this? *gasp* Oh no. NOOOOOO! Wetness is falling from the sky?! Lord in heaven, let it not be so. AAAAARRRRGGHHHH! God is weeping over our impending deaths! Drive dammit! Drive for your liiiivvveeesss!” And cars start maniacally swerving and spinning out of control. Then magically, one week after the first heavy rain or snowfall, people adapt and start driving normally again. Folks, this phenomenon we call “precipitation” happens every…single…year in our state. The rules and safe-driving practices that applied in January also apply in November. May through October shouldn’t be a sufficient period of time to make you forget what snow is.

Ever since "The Dark Knight" I’ve been giving an awful lot of thought to the concept of The Unstoppable Force and the Immovable Object. By definition, an unstoppable force is just that…unstoppable. Nothing, no matter what, in any circumstance can keep that force from continuing on its path. Likewise, an immovable object is equally impossible to manipulate. No matter what force collides with that object, the object will remain unmoved. So what would happen if the unstoppable force were to meet the immovable object? Would it be an epic battle worthy of Neo and Agent Smith in the final Matrix movie where the shockwave and subsequent fallout of the event would destroy everything in its path? Would the entire Universe collapse onto itself? Would an alternate reality spawn from the epicenter, creating a bizarre yet familiar existence with purple skies, orange seas, and razor-edged cliffs on all sides? Or what if the event were entirely anticlimactic and absolutely nothing happened? This is the kind of spacey concept that can keep me thinking (and drooling) for hours… a force that can’t be stopped meeting an object that can’t be moved. One would have to win, effectively negating the entire existence of the other. Or would it?

I’ve also been thinking a lot about the familiar analogy of the half-full or half-empty glass. We optimists tend to look at the glass as half full. Every cloud has a silver lining. You pessimists see the glass as half empty. Every silver lining has a touch of grey. But how do we know the glass even exists? And what if the glass were full of iocaine powder juice and a large enough swallow would kill you right where you sat? All of a sudden the optimist becomes the pessimist and the pessimist the optimist. Less is more and more is less. But regardless of outlook, pessimist or optimist, never get involved in a land war in Asia and never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.


Sister said...

Question: would you really eat a dead duck you found in a freezer bag on your porch? And, how would you know it was a duck if it were plucked and gutted? Maybe it was an enormous sparrow...

Jacob Proffitt said...

Point of fact: you can't simultaneously have an immovable object and an unstoppable force. If you have an immovable object then you cannot have, by definition, an unstoppable force. If you have an unstoppable force then you cannot have, by definition, an immovable object. There is no paradox there, just sloppy definitions.

Tyler said...

Far be it from me to let physics get in the way of my imagination. I prefer the paradox.

Tyler said...

And sis, how do you know a sparrow wouldn't be delicious albeit sparsely meated? I totally just invented a new word. New phraseology.

Jacob Proffitt said...

Technically, English is getting in your way, not physics. Physics doesn't enter the picture until you have an actual force you want to describe as irresistable or an actual object you want to describe as immovable. :)

Tyler said...

I've never once, in the history of my life, had anyone criticize my English or my understanding of it.

See it how you want it. In MY world, on MY blog, in MY mind, there CAN be an immovable object and there CAN be an unstoppable force. Feel free to dissect and overthink it as much as you'd like. I see no difference in imagining who would win a fight between The Hulk and Superman. Neither exist...neither can exist...but the idea is cool. And so is my paradox.

I understand perfectly well the definition and "nature" of both the force and the object, limitations and impossibilities included, but I can personally step outside the confines of rules and imagine how cool it would be for the two to meet.

There is no spoon.

Jacob Proffitt said...

Wow. It looks like a completely unintended nerve strike there, Tyler. Nothing I said was meant as a criticism, nor was it intended to rob you of your pleasant past-time. I raised a completely pedantic point and tried to flag that I was doing so with intentions no more serious than raising nits. I really do mean the smilies I include. I don't put them there (as I know some do) as a social mask for a snider purpose.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure Superman can take The Hulk, but only if he gets nastier than he is prone to be. :)



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