Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Random Thoughts on Election Day

I voted today and it was the most anticlimactic experience of my life. For more than two years we as a nation have been upended over this election. I’ve learned there is nothing more divisive than a presidential election. I’ve seen candidates’ religions, ethnicities, families, character, age, judgment, and fashion called into question. Seriously folks…who the holy freaking hell cares about Sara Palin’s wardrobe? I realize John McCain can’t lift his arms past his chest. Yes, I know Obama’s middle name is Hussein. Mitt Romney is a Mormon? Where are his horns then? He must file them down. We’re told to get out and vote because the future of humanity relies on our voice. It is our god-given right and DUTY to vote and American civilization depends on our hitting the polls. The universe will collapse on itself if it doesn’t happen! Yet such a crucial event consists of giving my last name to the guy in the flannel shirt and handlebar moustache, taking my voter card from the lady with the glass eye and floral-print mumu, and touching a computer screen for 90 seconds. The culmination of two years of irrational arguing and mudslinging was a grand total of 4 minutes of my time.

Dell Schanze ran for governor on the Libertarian ticket. Somewhere in the galaxy a star has imploded, a baby seal was clubbed, or an angel had its wings ripped off. This man is hardly fit to BELONG to a society, much less govern one. It's ironic that the only person in the state that craves media attention and photo op moments more than Superdell is our current governor, Huntsman. Bring back Norm Bangerter dammit.

I’ve decided once and for all that I WILL NOT read Twilight. I know I know, ladies, I told you that I would. I bought into your whole, “you can’t bash a book you’ve never read” bit. I figured I would read the book with a highlighter in one holster and a .357 in the other one (in case I actually started to like it) and would call it “research.” This author was being compared to Jane Austen and even Dickens in one discussion I had. But the more I think of it, the more I know that I most certainly do not have to experience something firsthand in order to understand it. I’ve never swallowed shards of broken glass, but I’m pretty sure it would be bad for me. I’ve never lit my head on fire, but I’m relatively confident it would suck. Likewise, I don’t have to read Twilight to know that it is a book for women. It totally misrepresents the true nature of vampires and werewolves and insults their ferocity and hatred for humans. And that freaking Edward is making it impossible for millions of men worldwide to meet the new expectations of their lovers. No, no, no, no. I’m sticking to my guns and moral compass on this one.

All rules are off when driving alone in a car. Propriety and decency mean nothing. A 90-year-old Asian woman just cut you off? Let the bird fly. The more lush and flowery the vocabulary the better. Frustrated? Put in some Tool and bang that head or fire up Dr. Dre’s “The Chronic” and let loose the F bombs. If you’re with someone else, normal societal rules apply and you need to be courteous to your fellow auto drivers with the gentle tones of Karen Carpenter soothing your soul. But when alone, give in to your inner badass.

Taco Bell boycott begins today. I have resolved to not touch my lips to Bell food for one year, starting right now. A very large group of us went there for dinner on Halloween night and the Mexican teenagers running the joint must have wanted to trick us instead of treating. Orders were messed up and the food was terrible. “No duh” you might be saying, but I’m not comparing TB to other (better) GhettoMex restaurants. I’m simply holding them to their own standards. I usually know what to expect when I walk through those doors, but on this particular night they really went out of their way to make our experience suck. Tables were sticky, floors were dirty, chips were uber-stale, meat tasted like cat, etc. Barf.


Mandy said...

Who needs to read the book when you can go to the movie, right?? Oh, no movie? Well, FINE! I am speaking for myself when I say this, but women are better off for the men NOT to read the books. Then we can fantasize by ourselves and not have our husbands cheapen it by telling us it isn't real. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
As for TB, good on ya, mate! We went there a few weeks ago, and the experience wasn't much better. Cafe Rio is much faster even if you have to wait for an hour! And much better tasting. I wish they had a dollar menu.

Mandy said...

BTW: What happened to your rating system?

Tyler said...

I killed the ratings. The "suggested" reading it gave was driving me nuts.

Talbot Family said...

First, I agree with the election. Frighteningly enough I was slightly tempted to vote for SuperDell, I quickly came to reality.

Second, you don't have to read Twilight, it is definitely a book for girls. But you can't voice your opinion about it until you do, and have any merit at all. The werewolves aren't even werewolves they are shape shifters so your understanding and statements are wholly unfounded and wrong :)

Third, I love you, but you know I am going to have to disagree with this one. I know you are thinking Ashley is such a goodie goodie, but, I honestly believe that a person who knows who they really are acts the same when alone as they do with others. If you are comfy letting the fingers and F-bombs fly alone, then why not with your children or Y/M priests in the car with you?

Fourth, you had to have known in advance that you were in for a night of vomitrociousness when you made the bad choice to go to taco bell. I honestly believe you when you say that it will be your last adventure with the bell. Next time settle for a nice safe choice, like Subway.

Hope your bowels have recovered by now.

Tyler said...

Twilight - This is the second time you've told me to do more research:

Jacob's clan referred to as werewolves from the following websites. Never a single mention of a "shapeshifter":

http://twilightsource.com/eclipse.php - A fansite
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eclipse_(novel) - Wikipedia
http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/eclipse.html - The author's own website

My understanding is not wrong. If you can tell me that the Twilight series DOES NOT have a vampire character that falls in love with a human character that also has feelings for a werewolf, ok fine a "shapeshifter", but marries the vampire then fine. Otherwise my understanding and statement is perfectly fine. I don't have to read something to form an opinion.

Flipping off Asians - Maybe I need to stop blogging. I've never been 100% serious on a single blog post. I've now been talked into editing posts THREE times and taking one down entirely so as to not offend people and I swore that I'd never do that. Trust me sis, I'm not really flipping off Asians and rapping with Dre. Can you really see me doing that? :) Just assume that everything I write is intended to be weird, quirky, or once in a while even funny. But always facetious.

Talbot Family said...

Read the 4th book. Shapeshifters.

I know. And you are funny, and facetious. I also know that a lot of people who don't know you personally are reading your blog, and don't know if you are serious. I know blah blah you don't care, they don't have to read your blog, they can go to ____. But your blog is worth reading and is very clever, just sometimes a little extreme (for dramatic purposes, it's the Pete in you).

I did a little more research into the calendar guy after calling you to the carpet. I knew you had researched, but wondered if your source was TMZ :) I read an interview with him and he says he doesn't resent the church but was merely the best decision for them both. Sounds like he doesn't care about being exed so he must not have really much invested in the first place. He doesn't care, neither do I.

Don't edit your blog. Just know that people will comment what they want just like you write what you want.

I love your blog.

Tyler said...

Oh Ash, I know you come here often and I know you enjoy what I write. I fully welcome comments and you know me....I welcome a nice debate ;) My fear is that people won't understand the purpose and nature of the blog. In my twisted mind, if everyone understands me then I won't have to censor myself. If people don't understand me and don't get the humor and bizarre mind behind the print, then I feel I have to write TO an audience, not FOR MYSELF. That would effectively alter my writing and defy the purpose for why I even blog. It would make this a total waste of my time. I've been nervous enough that I've even dedicated a whole post to explain why I blog and what my style is :) I just hope that you, and others, can filter through what is meant to be sincere and what is meant to be stupid! And honestly, this is probably a paranoia that has been planted in my mind, not one that I've come up with on my own. Entirely unnecessary.

You too are an incredible writer. I go to your blog all the time. I rarely comment; there are usually 17 before I even get there, but your humor is freaking awesome. I just hope that you, and others, can filter through what is meant to be sincere and what is meant to be stupid!

Talbot Family said...

I am pretty good at figuring out stupid. Don't alter your writing. Write because you need to, and remember, you are the future Robert Kirby. John's cousin motherboard is a crazy blogger extraordinaire, she sumbitted some of her writings and won a contest. I think you could give her a run for her money.

Mandy said...


I read this and thought of you. HA!